"I am a whore, I do confess"

I don't understand forgiveness. I suppose that's the point.

I read that Francine Rivers book, the one based off of Hosea. It helped me understand forgiveness a little. It was good, but I suppose I like Hosea better.

In the House of Heroes song "Voices" there's an excerpt from a sermon, I can't figure out where it's from, but he says, "Your greatest sin is not whatever it is that you did in your life, that keeps hounding you -- Your greatest sin in not believing God's word when He says you're forgiven! Your greatest sin is unbelief. You want to repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief."

And I suppose, I'm writing this to confess in James 5:16 disclosure, that sometimes I don't really believe that I'm forgiven. Sometimes I think I need to be miserable for a few months before I can attempt to live like I'm free again. I try and break it down all so clinically, with formulae and a step-by-step process. This mysterious thing of repenting. I worry that if I don't do it right I won't be forgiven, that I won't be sanctified. Sometimes I don't believe in sanctification, or that, God can do it to me.

How foolish and easily deceived am I, to allow my guilt to separate me from my God. How blind to suppose in my bitterness that perfection was unattainable when it is already mine in His resurrection! I am a whore, I do confess: fickle, distracted, thoughtless. I'm sorry, for not trusting You to change me, for not believing in the depth of Your mercy. I'm sorry for my stubbornness, for clinging to my shame and not Your promises. All my debts were cast on Thee, I must and shall go free. Is this what forgiveness means? Heal me, heal me of my unbelief.

"Let us pursue obedience to the LORD and we shall become obedient. His appearance is as sure as daybreak, and He will come to us like rain that refreshes the earth." [Hosea 6:3]