When my room is completely dark and I'm trying to convince myself to fall asleep so I can wake up at a decent hour the next morning and be a productive member of society and I feel all the good events of the day wash over me speedily followed by all the guilt and guile of living and all I can turn to is perverse top 40 radio to lull me to sleep.
That's when I stay up all night feeling bad. Badly.
Thinking about money makes me want to vomit. And I spend so much of it! On stupid things! Like nail polish and laser tag and arcade games and ice cream and Disney princess checks so I can pay people for things. And, on not stupid things, too, like college orientation and presents and missions trips. I'm struggling to be thankful for the privilege of a bountiful society.
It's an idle and ignorant wish, but occasionally I wish I didn't have money. My parents are not wealthy, but sometimes I wish my family had even less money than we have. To be so blessed to see God's provision in times of want, not just in times of plenty. To understand the power of discipline. To not be chased with guilt at the impulse purchases I'd never make . . .
"Money is the world's curse." — "Then may God smite me with it. And may I never recover!"
I'm coming up on the conclusion of my year without buying clothes, my idle guard against materialism, but of course, I failed. My mom bought me a dress and some slacks for when we went to DC. Does that count? I'd like to pretend it doesn't, but, I'm feeling tugged by the principle of the matter. Darned principles! So bothersome! The thought still rides on the top of my head, the guilt of squandered prosperity, my "fast" didn't do much because it didn't change my habits at all.
Like a petty socialite who justifies her exorbitant divorce settlement by claiming she's become accustom to a certain standard of living. With my air conditioning and my Nutella and my internet access and my weekly fifty cent dirty chai. God has given me all I need, He gives it freely! But why does indulgence in the extras chafe my soul so much?
How dare I spend the LORD's money in ways He has not purposed.
2 comments:
Huh . . . now there's a feeling I understand.
I feel guilty so often for the money I've been given, and how frivolously I spend it! And how when I don't spend it, nothing bad happens . . . so why bother? why do I take the extra comfort that I'm fine without?
Staying up all night in thought can be lovely and it can be really terrible.
"I'd like to pretend it doesn't, but, I'm feeling tugged by the principle of the matter. Darned principles! So bothersome!"
That's ... your conscience. Maybe, ... God is teaching you that having a conscience is a beautiful thing.
... maybe? Idon'tknow.
But, I know what you mean. We are frivolous human beings who need to go to a third world country and learn some lessons.
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