Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Becoming a runner

I went back to the gym after a few months away to get back on the treadmill. I mean the dreadmill. No, just kidding, I love it.

When I was marathon training I did my maintenance runs at 10 minute mile pace, and did my speed training/interval runs at 8 minute mile pace. That was tough for me, but I finished my first marathon sub-five and thought maybe I would keep at the running thing. When I went back to the road for the nice spring weather, I threw pacing out the window and just did what felt manageable--usually starting out fast and gradually bottoming out from inability to breathe. It was not great.

To make it worse, I was training for a half marathon while traveling internationally and I was barely getting maintenance runs in. I felt like I needed to push myself to make gains and be halfway prepared to finish the half, but I put all hopes of a sub-two hour PR on ice, because I knew I just wasn't ready. I struggled to finish six miles the Thursday before my Saturday race.

Then the race happened and something clicked--I warmed up, I kept a consistent and sensible pace, I ended up averaging 8:35/mile and met my goal of a sub-two half while feeling fly. I was staggered by how easy it was. And when I went back to the treadmill this week, I started at a 8:00/mile and kept it there with ease for the whole 50-minute duration of my run.


I think I might be becoming a runner.

These are not things that I ever thought that I could do. Run a marathon. Set a PR goal for myself and meet it. Be able to run at a 8:00/mile pace and feel comfortable. I never thought I'd be logging twenty-mile weeks, or even be able to commit to running more than just once a week. I still hate running. Doesn't everyone? It is boring and it is painful. But it is downright addictive to watch your body get stronger and tougher, to experience the acculturation to the distance and impact and speed.

It makes me feel like growth is possible. I love House, M.D. and I so relate to the title character's mantra, "People never change." We have heaps of evidence that that is true, that humans are creatures of habit and that when change happens it often happens sloooowwwlyyy. But the act of trying something new and sticking with it and eventually seeing improvement, it is defiance to the bent of entropy, that maybe we can get stronger if we just try, and keep faith. 

I'm not saying I'm a runner just yet, but I like the idea. 

Monday, March 5, 2018

How to need people

I have a friend-mentor. We're friends who connect over the marvelous idiosyncrasies we share, but this friend is also a mentor who tells me those things about lawyering and being a new lawyer that you can't learn from law school or more experienced practitioners. I text him with some frequency asking questions about logistics and procedure, and each time I hit him with a, "I'm sorry to bother you with this question!" And he comes back each time with, "Of course no problem homey." After a few rounds of this, he once said, "If you think it is remotely possible for you to annoy me with a question, you vastly underestimate how much I value you and your friendship." 

Oh yeah, I'm like tearing up just thinking about it right now. That's a good friend, y'all. But also, you see what's wrong with me, right? I don't know how I came to think of relationships as transactional. 

This is my problem: I am a little bit allergic to asking people for help. And I recognize intellectually that this is a weakness of character: people need people, ain't no way around it, and it is a sign of poisonous pride to retreat from others into self-sufficiency. My parents have taught me that my whole life. So I don't know how exactly I came to be so squeamish about requesting time and attention from others. Maybe one day, if I ever get around to the therapy I probably need, I will be able to put my finger on where this flaw came from. But I have flickers of moments where my need forces me to be humble and I choose to feel gratitude over guilt

For example, I cannot even say how good it felt when . . .

A friend offered to drive me to the train station and listened to me as I unburdened some baggage I didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else.
My roommate rubbed my back and put her coat over my shivering shoulders when I got violently ill from an allergic reaction.
My other roommate got ready for her day a few hours early so she could drive me to the airport before work.

None of these acts were solicited by me--I was given the gift of active consideration--but in being forced to accept such gifts I also experienced how it can be a good and touching thing to be dependent on others. It is my choice, to feel good to be shown and to accept care, rather than to feel guilt for inconveniencing another person. When I choose guilt over gratitude what I'm really saying is, "I don't trust that you care. I think you're selfish like I'm selfish. I don't need you because I'm doing okay trying to be perfect on my own over here." Such ugliness. Relationships are not a fair trade. There is no balancing of scales and keeping a ledger with the people you love. If your heart is soft toward others, you give help and accept help and ask for help freely, and all those things are connected.

I often struggle with the intersection between the power of the Holy Spirit to change our hearts and make us to good, and our own personal responsibility to choose to do good. Where is God in those moments when I am too weak or lazy or ignorant to choose to do good? It was pointed out to me that I've neglected an important variable from my calculus: God commands us to community because we need other people to help us choose good and support us when we are weak. This requires a heart soft towards others. 

I want a soft heart. I want to help other people. I want to grow in my sanctification. And paradoxically, it seems that also means seeking and accepting the help and care of those who freely love me. 

Sunday, October 22, 2017


Twenty-six. Working on a Sunday. Freelancing! Not running, due to an injury from going too hard too fast, because I am ever the idealist, not realistic about what is good for me in a given moment. Twenty-six, and my idealism is still at the root of problems I cause for myself: taking on too much, torturing myself with a fantasy world, shouldering the guilt in the disconnect from what I think I should be doing compared with what I'm actually doing. 

But I hope my tone is not too cynical, because I have found deep comfort in growing older, being older. I enjoy how the good things in the past still trickle in to bless the present. I appreciate how even in the torrential changes, some things still stay the same. I am thankful for how each year is filled with new experiences, which enrich my capacity to empathize with and understand others. Life is baby steps. You have to celebrate each little bit of falling forward. 

So twenty-five was good. I went to Vietnam. I graduated law school. I saw my best friends get married. I passed one state bar. I went to South Africa, and finally, FINALLY, London. I even made some new friends! 

And twenty-six will be hard, but it will be good. I will learn how to be a professional in my field. I will learn how not to be a workaholic. I will learn how to do adult things like buy my own health insurance and plan for retirement and maybe even move out of my parents' house. 

I will keep learning how to put others before myself and how to take up my cross daily to follow my Savior. 

Growth takes time. But the years on earth go by so quickly, whereas perfection is for eternity. 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

runDisney: Pulling the Trigger

I really do hate running. I've never been able to do it well. You know how all these couch-to-5k training programs tell you to run slowly enough that you can carry on a conversation without getting winded? I can't fathom how that's even possible, because I get winded in the first five footsteps of every run. I'm not sure what the difference is between running and jogging. As a homeschooler never subject to gym class requirements, I never even ran a mile until my first road race. 

Despite my ongoing aversion to and ignorance of running, this past week I registered for the 2018 Walt Disney World Marathon.


Running a marathon is a bucket list goal of mine, one I lit upon ever since finishing a half-marathon in college and realizing what I thought was impossible was actually, maybe in the realm of possibility. This year I turn 26 and it only seemed fitting that I commemorate this nondescript birthday with a corresponding mile marker. Because let's face it, my body and its youth are literally decaying with each passing day. With feats of athleticism, now is better than later, no matter what Tom Brady says. 

I've also been finding myself maybe, floundering a little? The new school year is upon us, and instead of preparing to go back to school like I have for the past 21 years of my life, I'm stuck in employment limbo, commuting seventy miles to a job I don't much care for, waiting to hear if I can start my legal career or have to turn back to my study aids to retake my licensing exam. The pervasive feeling of treading water demands the creation of new or even artificial benchmarks. I need new goals in my life, something to work towards, to keep me from going crazy from the grind of a job where I just can't find my stride. 

Plus, running releases endorphins in your brain that makes you feel good, allegedly. 

So why does a person who hates running force herself to shell out the $200 registration fee (to say nothing of the flight and lodging) for a marathon? 

1) Hello, it's Disney! For my fellow Disney nerds, this statement is self-evident, but for the uninitiated, never underestimate the siren call of an entertainment empire's magic production capacity. The atmosphere that accompanies a road race is the greatest thing. Spectators cheering, volunteers passing water, the sights and sounds of the course, the addictively triumphant feeling at the finish line that you just don't get from finishing a run around your neighborhood. Make that atmosphere Disney-ified and I have that much more to smile about as I slog through the course. 

2) The other real allure of a Disney race is that it's not about PR. I'm not trying to develop a competitive pace or qualify for the Boston Marathon. I just want to finish. I want to get the medal and put it in a frame just to say I did it. This is a race anyone can do, even if it means walking for the lion's share of the course. And that's not something you're going to get judged for, because no one's there for a PR; everyone's there to run in their Disney-themed costumes, grab those rare character photo-ops, and see the empty parks at the crack of down. Because the Disney races are less competitive, they are automatically more accessible. Automatically less fear. 

3) I tend to believe that cardio is a dumb way to get healthy, but conditioning my body to do something hard is nothing but healthy for my gym prodigal lifestyle. I love weight training, but I gave up my gym membership to save money, delusionally believing I'd keep up with my kettlebell in my living room. It's not that marathon training will make me "healthier", but I am intrigued by my own power to alter my body through repetitive activity, and am hopeful the running routines I am setting now from necessity can be translated to a more consistent at-home weight training routine, since cross-training is an integral part of marathon training. 

The real test in the coming months is how religiously I stick to my training plan, especially as the days get darker and the weather gets chillier, but knowing I have a weekend at the Happiest Place on Earth at the end of it is actually the dose of motivation I need to get busy on this life goal. 

In asking, how do I be an adult? How do I live a good life? How do I deny myself now for the future pay off? How do I be a better Jesus-follower? These little, silly, arbitrary goals are part of the puzzle for me of the excruciatingly slow process of redemption, faithfulness, and sanctification. 

Friday, July 21, 2017


There is a difference between white skin and black skin. There shouldn't be, but the statistics bear out otherwise. The color of your skin is relevant to your jail sentence, your job hunt, your mortgage, and your student loans, among other things. Rising awareness of the ways racism has been built into the way our systems work has revealed another difference in our skin, that of thick skin and thin skin.

I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw a post about five teenagers who watched a man drown and got away with it. I was perturbed but unsurprised because I'm studying for the bar so I am deep in the "no duty to rescue" doctrine, but the OP was livid that such cruelty could go unpunished in our society. What caught my eye was the sole comment below the post, "They sound like black kids . . . go figure."

My heart started pounding. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Unsure if I should say anything (quick list of reasons why engaging is a bad idea: I didn't know the commenter, I only very loosely know the OP, and nothing good ever comes from a Facebook debate), I googled "how to respond to racist Facebook comments" and chose to engage after reading this article.

I'm always deeply conflicted about engaging on such things, and I have a quick anecdote as to why.

My neighbor flies a Confederate flag, and I often wondered what our black neighbor thought of it, driving past it every day. When a lawn jockey appeared beside it, my rage intensified and I felt helpless knowing our cousins would see the unequivocal combo. When I worked up the courage to ask one of my cousins if the display offended him, I was stunned by his response, just a shrug.

In that moment, I thought of that Cracked article that counseled that it's pretty rude to get offended for someone else, and you can't force someone to be offended. Maybe it was gracious and mature of my cousin to let my neighbor's racism roll, to not internalize it or take it as an affront of his personhood. Maybe he has thick skin.

On the other hand, My dad occasionally recounts with shame the time a police officer in pursuit of some neighborhood criminal stopped my dad to ask him if he had seen "where the n***** went" and all my dad said was no. We often have opportunities to speak against evil, but it's hard to know what to say or how to say it.

See, I have thin skin. I often see for the first time things other people have witnessed all their lives. I don't have a good barometer for what fights are worth fighting. I don't want to contribute to the widening of the culture wars by jumping down people's throats about things that don't really matter. (I don't want to be part of the hamburger problem.) Like the penguins in Madagascar say, you have to pick and choose your battles in life!

And I wonder if people who say things like, "They sound like black kids" also have thick skin. When I came back to that Facebook post an hour later it was filled with comments levied at the first commenter, calling her a c**t. Not only did I feel guilty for stirring the pot, but now I felt obligated to come to her defense. #classicFacebookdevolution Much to my surprise, she let it roll.

Maybe it's better to just have thick skin. But it must also be true that there are consequences for our harsh and evil words. Words aren't just words. For Jesus said, "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person." (Matthew 15:18) Careless words, careless hearts, and then a careless culture? Luke puts it a little differently than Matthew, "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

Thursday, June 29, 2017

So you want to go to law school

The obvious question is, why? You will have to answer this question and thousand and one times, so you would be well-advised to craft a solid go-to answer that is true-ish. Then you'll have the rest of your law school journey to hone and workshop your answer through admissions essays, interviews, and networking events. But you have to have something solid to work with.

Pro tip: "I like to argue" is a terrible reason. The money used to be a good reason, but with wages falling as the legal labor sector becomes more automated and dense, makes financial incentives illusory these days. The nice answer for millennials, we who are so social welfare minded, is "I want to help people", but you might find the idealism and naivete latent in that justification a smidge cringe-worthy for your taste. The best answer is always a story. One time I got stopped at the border trying to leave Kazakhstan for Turkey because I mistakenly overstayed my visa, and my brush with the migration police in a foreign country gave me a depth of gratitude to immigration attorneys that was enough of a wellspring to get me through.

That's not the real reason I went to law school, but it's a fun story for me to tell and it opens the door for me to talk about one of the more interesting periods of my life. Birds, stone.

The thing about the decision to go to law school is that if you don't already have exposure to or experience in the field, it's hard to know what's out there, to say nothing of determining whether you have both the skills and inclination to make it worth it for you. That was my biggest fear about starting law school, that I was going to be bad at it and that it was going to be boring. While the jury's still out on the former, it was to my delight in that very first civ pro class that I was going to have a grand time learning the law. 

So this is what I recommend, if you can pull up a statute on a law you've heard of, and read it, and then find a state supreme court opinion applying that statute, and you find yourself enjoying the puzzle of figuring out how the statute and the opinion fit together, then all other considerations aside, you will probably enjoy law school coursework. (A difficult but maybe compelling example might be the Ohio marriage statute, linked here, and the SCOTUS decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, linked here.) 

You don't have to enjoy the law to feel justified in your decision to go to law school, but if you're going to suffer through to get the piece of paper, you better have 100% assurance of a job at the end. It's all just a carrot on a stick. 

There is also the financial consideration. The student debt situation is ludicrous. It's terrifying, hinging on absurd. I'm a little sanctimonious about this topic, so I'll spare you a lecture and just say that my path worked great for me and it's a path that you might want to look into for yourself. A 3.9 undergrad GPA and a 154 LSAT score got me a full ride at Michigan State, Penn State, and my alma mater. Not T2 schools, but being hard working is more important than the reputation of your school. Who's to say how the market will change, but this was a pro tip from family friends who sent most of their kids to college on a variety of full ride scholarships: don't pay for school if you can avoid it. On the other hand, if you're loaded and can pay your tuition out of pocket, definitely shoot for the stars. Harvard may be a diploma mill, but it still makes doors fly open, which is probably enough to justify the price tag if you are heart eyes for the law.

I don't have any other advice about choosing a school. But there are loads of internet forums with heaps of opinions to fill that void.

My last recommendation is to take a beat before starting law school. People who go straight to law school from undergrad may "maintain momentum", but they are also more likely to be burned out or lack workforce experience that imparts valuable perspective to the law school experience. I knew I wanted to go to law school since I was a senior in high school, but I still took some time in between to work as an ESL teacher. Working cross-culturally gave me skills and contacts that I drew from frequently in my immigration law work. I also go to check some life experiences off that I didn't have time to tackle while I was in law school. I was only out of school for a year, but I missed studying so much during that time that I was actually looking forward to going back to an academic setting by the time I matriculated. You can also use that time to get more financially stable.

(A casual suggestion that I have no personal experience with, but have seen many of my friends try: get an entry-level paralegal position after undergrad, make yourself invaluable to your firm, and then get your firm to either send you to law school or promise you an associate position when you graduate. The practice of law is apprenticeship and firms would much rather hire someone who already knows what they do than train an outsider. Find your job offer before you even start law school. This path is very common, and IMHO, very smart.) 

So you've got your motivation sorted, you've taken the LSAT, you've applied and matriculated, and now law school is foisted upon you. I have some various and sundry advice for you regarding the law school process.

  • Skip journal. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what??? Let me get the exceptions out of the way: people who are destined for editor in chief of the law review, people who want to clerk for federal judges after law school, and people who legitimately enjoy legal writing. Those people should join a journal, preferable law review, but a journal in your concentration is also acceptable. (If you are not interested and will never be interested in the subject matter of your journal, skip it.) Journal is difficult, boring, time-consuming, and stressful. Employers are not as impressed with journal participation as they used to me. Journals are high cost, low reward.

  • Get a legal job ASAP. This is two-pronged advice. First, all legal experience is going to do you a solid, therefore, the more of it you have, they better prepared you are to be good at your craft. Law is apprenticeship. Get in the trenches early. Second, there are only two summers. 2L summer associates are critical for people looking to go the big law route. That leaves you with only four semesters and one summer to diversify your experience and figure out what options you have for after law school. The sooner you can get started on that process, the better. And it is totally possible to balance 1L coursework with part-time employment. Just work hard. It's what you'll be doing as a lawyer anyway.

  • Find two attorney mentors. Mine ended up being my supervising attorneys for my two student practitioner gigs during 3L. I wouldn't recommend waiting that long, it caused me a lot of stress, but both individuals have become valued friends in my life, so take comfort that things can work out. Practical steps to get an attorney to adopt you: go to professor office hours, take a research position, and ask about opportunities and current events in their specialty. Pick people who have margin in their lives--the faculty "rock stars" of your school, though definitely well-connected, will probably already have a full plate between research, writing, advising, teaching, and school politics, and while they might take an interest in you, they probably also won't have the time to meet with you regularly. In contrast, adjuncts, new attorneys, or people on the "fringe" of the faculty or the firm you're working at will have more space to give you attention and will be flattered that you're seeking their advice and support. My school did not have an alumni mentorship program, but if yours does, jump on that. 

  • Do moot court. If you must participate in some extracurricular school activities, skip the clubs (but get on their mailing lists--job opportunities in your inbox and advance notice of where free food will be) and student government, and compete in legal simulations. It's the next best thing to employment experience.

  • Talk in class. If you think this advice will be easy for you, ignore it and do the opposite. (Everyone hates those people who waste class time asking useless and obscure hypos.) But if you are not naturally inclined to speak up in class, push yourself to. You will sound dumb and people will think you're dumb, but you'll learn the material well and you'll remember the material. If you're academically gifted enough to be considering law school, you already know how you best learn. Leverage class time to maximize your content retention. Another perk, talking also makes boring classes go by faster.

  • Talk to your classmates. My biggest regret from law school is not making more friends. Law school is that much easier when you have people to share notes, collaborate on outlines, laugh with, commiserate with, and all around related to. I avoided people at law school because I didn't want to catch their anxiety or lose perspective. In the process I missed out laying the groundwork for my professional network and I was a little bit lonely and miserable. There are plenty of loners at law school, and the law school social scene is definitely a minefield of judgment, but do your best to rest in the balance.

  • You don't have to outline. I outlined only one class in my entire time at law school and I did fine. Make of that what you will. See, I know how I learn and it's not via outlines. You know how you learn. Don't force yourself to make flashcards or study groups if it's not going to help you just because everyone else is doing it and they're judging you. 

  • Start studying for the bar early. Don't take froufy classes, take the subjects that will definitely be on the bar, since many schools make some of these courses optional. (I made it through law school without taking commercial paper or wills & estates. Studying those topics for the bar had me stressed out of my mind.) Learn the doctrinal law well the first time around, and start doing MBE question practice sets during 2L. Set aside two hours every Saturday of 3L to review bar resources. Bar prep is literally memorizing three 900-page paperback outline books, which is literally impossible to do in the two months between graduation and the bar. Chip away at it earlier so that you can have a little fun with your summer.

Above all, remember that if you are discerning, diligent, and dedicated, you will find the path that works for you. I truly feel like my path to and through law school was the path that was best for me, and I offer my experiences as a template for those seeking some guidance to get them started on a sensible path. However, I was struck at graduation by just how many of my classmates had taken paths that I had previously considered ill-advised but were nevertheless stepping out of law school into viable careers or receiving valuable accolades for their contributions to the legal community. That was a humbling and encouraging realization. My way is one way, but it's not the only way. My way was best for me, but it's not best for everyone. And it's not productive to stress about incongruence between your choices and the choices of others--don't be reckless, but don't be despondent. 

And best of luck. :)

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Psalm 42:11

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

The world is very hard. This week I held the hand of a man who just one week before could talk for hours and lived independently, and now aphasia has robbed him of his ability to communicate and he is too weak to feed himself. 

This week I sat across the table from a man who lost his health, his reputation, his home, and his family to violence and political strife, and now arcane laws keep him from reuniting with the family that remains in his hour of need. 

This week I watched myself, helplessly grasping at straws to honor my God with my words and my work, and I watched myself fail, fail, fail. A slave to self-gratification, struggling to wear my identity of freedom. 

I know why my soul is disturbed within me. The world is not as I imagine it should be. 

He gave us bodies of dust, but He will give us new bodies that will never decay. He allows injustice to leak like a poison into the lives of the vulnerable, but He will avenge all wrongs one day. He sees me flounder in my devotion and my faithfulness, but He will unite my heart to fear His name. 

He is my Savior and I will praise Him. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Why I am single on Valentine's Day

You may be familiar with the rom-com trope: guy obsessed with girl, girl is wrapped with with some other guy--usually a jerk or otherwise unsuited for her--and therefore oblivious to our guy, girl gets her heart broken by the jerk, girl realizes she should give our guy a chance. This trope reinforces the underlying misapprehension of Gamer Gate, that girls never notice the nice guys, and that nice guys finish last. Ergo, girls need to stop being stupid and give the nice guys who are obsessed with them a chance. 

My issue is, I can't make myself like the nice guys who like me. And in my defense, it's not like I don't give them a chance. It's not like I rule those guys out because I'm fixated on vapid things like height or career. I look for sensible things like shared values and similar life trajectory. I make a good faith effort to assess the potential, and there's always a lot of potential because these guys are perfectly wonderful. But even then, when everything seems like it should click, it still doesn't click. What's with that? 

It may be as simple as, I haven't found the right guy yet. That sounds kind of cliche and a cop out; it assumes that there is one cosmically-designated person for everyone, and I just don't think that's accurate. Love isn't some mystical, magical thing. It's not a first glance dart to the heart. I told Rebecca I might only be able to find love via a rom-com meet-cute and she exclaimed sadly, "Don't say that!" because she knew as I do that that is not real life. 

So, while it is possible that my designated "soulmate" person just hasn't yet appeared, it is more likely that I am getting in my own way with romance. Primarily, I am culpable in that I am not open to making new friends and getting close to people in general, so in these generally maladaptive behaviors I block myself from building any kind of romantic connection, must less a connection with "the One." But I also wonder if there are more nefarious issues involved than mere antisocialness. It is also possible my issue is with the wooing process. 

Unfortunately, I fairly am comfortable flirting (or, just being a human, I mean) with people I have limited knowledge of and little connection with. I have an endless stream of silly crushes on random boys I have had little to no interaction with. I shoot smiles at cute strangers I see in transit with no fear, because I know I will never see them again. But being pursued is terrifying, it makes my heart race . . . not with infatuation but with anxiety. When I have already decided a guy is not for me, his continued attention and wooing makes me feel guilty for not reciprocating; unlike with normal people, it doesn't kindle any affection. I want to say that wooing just doesn't work on me, but that conclusion seems inconsistent with what it means to be human. 

Because what about the Church's Bridegroom? We love Him because He first loved us. He woos His creation faithfully, with science and art, with rain and drought, with grace on grace on grace, and it is His kindness that drew us to Him; we did not chose Him unbidden. I was drawn to Him via so many channels: a personality predisposition to seek transcendent ideals, a fear of the dark and a child's need for peace, a yearning to be perfect, and my parents' tender example. He put so many lures for me, but I confess that I wonder, am I often unmoved even by His wooing, initiation, and pursuit? 

This sobering hardness of my heart is no great mystery to me, but rather stems from my pride and independence. I know because one of those Facebook personality tests scored me the highest on the self-sufficiency metric. A once-friend was the first in my life to articulate this to me, that I didn't need anyone in the very worst way. And he wasn't necessarily wrong. I think one of the worst thing in life is asking for letters of recommendation--I die inside every time I have to ask, and one of the reasons I didn't apply to clerkships was because I couldn't take the stress of getting those letters. I hate going to other people with my problems, and my reticence to depend on other people affects my willingness to depend on my God and be moved by His care for me. 

But oh, crooked heart, I am still inexplicably pleased with my ability to take care of myself, and of this I repent, daily asking that my heart be transformed. Failure and redemption are two sides of the same coin. I am poor and needy, but the LORD takes thought for me. 

Anyway, here is a takeaway for the nice guys: if you're hung up on a girl that doesn't appreciate your feelings, maybe she has not just a few issues but the whole subscription. You will be happier with someone less complicated, but it takes time for feelings to run their course. Be angsty, or don't be, and from a crazy girl, sorry and thank you.