30 Books

One of my goals for 2021 was to get back into reading. It's strange to me how reading used to be such a regular part of my life and an activity I defined my identity by back when. But mid-way through my twenties the punishing reading schedule of law school combined with the siren song of television stamped out any appetite I had for recreational reading. 

But in actuality, my mom had resolved to become "a reader" (although her delineation did puzzle me, since I have always considered my mom to be a reader) and in sharing her Audible password with me, she opened the door for many mini book discussions on my weekends home. Then, my sisters plus an honorary sister successfully launched a more formal book discussion group, which has successfully selected three titles in 2021. We are getting it done the way that works for us. 

For attribution purposes, many of these titles were recommended by the Modern Mrs. Darcy book club; this is not my own curation. 

It has been life-enriching to be consuming books again. Many selections have assisted me in considering certain topics anew. The Cold Millions, for example, read just before the George Floyd protests broke out, forced me to reexamine the role of direct action and peaceful protest. Codependent No More gifted me so much wisdom about why I struggle in certain ways in certain relationships. I listened to Americanah while I worked on a Nigerian asylum case and I listened to Sparks Like Stars while Kabbul fell to the Taliban.

I noticed when reviewing the ground I had covered this year was how each title evoked memories from when I had been reading that book. Even though the vast majority were consumed while driving, I remember those trips: stopping for Chick-fil-A in Virginia while listening to The Silver Chair; getting a speeding ticket in Roscoe while listening to The Other Black Girl; blushing through Beach Read on a flight back from Mexico; hunting for the Mercer Williams House in Savannah before starting Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Usually my memories feel very slippery to me, but sharing these books with other people (Peter, my mom, our book discussion group, our travel companions) has helped me hang onto not only the stories themselves, but also the slices of life that was happening while I encountered these stories. 

This is the full list of books I finished in 2021:

• Station Eleven by Emily Mandel
• Killers of the Flower Moon by David Grann
• Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones
• The Jane Austen Society by Natalie Jenner
• I'll Be Seeing You by Elizabeth Berg
• The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo
• The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wrap Gregorie
• The Cold Millions by Jess Walter
• This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger
• The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis
• The Downstairs Girl by Stacey Lee
• The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr
• Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt
• Writers & Lovers by Lily King
• People We Meet on Vacation by Emily Henry
• Dream Big by Bob Goff
• Americanah by  Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
• Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren
• Sparks Like Stars by Nadia Hashimi
• The Other Black Girl by Zakiya Dalila Harris
• The River by Peter Heller
• Out of the Pocket by Kirk Herbstreit
• The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
• The Good House by Ann Leary
• Beach Read by Emily Henry
• Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler
• It's Better to Be Feared by Seth Wickersham
• Evicted by Matthew Desmond
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• The Last Watchman of Old Cairo by Michael David Lucas

I warned my husband, "I am becoming radicalized!" Between watching The Trial of the Chicago 7, reading The Cold Millions, watching the news, and being an immigration attorney, I have sensed my simmering rage begin to bubble at the reckless, repeated, callous, and unrestrained violation of rights by governments. 

In particularly, I have been considering an Instagram post by @literally.noam.chomsky that articulated the following observation about inducing political change:

Many people seem to think that the process of political change through peaceful protest looks something like this: (1) People peacefully protest, (2) ?????, (3) Political change happens. In reality, it looks something closer to this: (1) People protest in a way the government is unable to ignore, (2) Protestors are unjustly beaten, teargassed, and shot at in a public setting by the government, (3) The general population witnesses the violence, becomes outraged, and sides with the protestors, (4) The government gives in to the people's demands on the threat of mass revolt.

The post concludes that emphasis on peaceful protests is really requesting that people become martyrs for their causes. This is partly the goal of one of the protagonists of The Cold Millions, a young pregnant labor organizer is distressed to receive bail, because she had intended that her imprisonment would galvanize respectable people to care about Spokane's anti-speech law. This is what Tom Hayden meant when he spoke about blood running in the streets--let America see the brutality! I guess this is what I mean that I cam becoming radicalized, that I am increasingly comfortable with sacrificing my safety or blood for what is right. 

But I don't know if that really works, you know? I want to raise awareness. I want people to know about famine in Yemen, about gang rule in the northern Central American triangle, about political prisoners in Senegal, about the injustices of the immigration system, about how scary and inhumane jail is. There is plenty of outrage and awareness out there already, but what has it done? I think about Pete Coones and Derek Chauvin, and I wonder what I'm doing with my law degree. There is just so much that is broken, and I feel really powerless. 

There are no answers inside myself. In church the pastor reads Psalm 2:1, "Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain?" To my surprise I saw I had highlighted this verse, it must have been at least 3 years ago, but still I'm asking this, why? The psalm goes on to say, "He who sits in heaven laughs, then he will speak to them in his wrath." That same morning we sang, "Shake the mountains, break the walls apart, open the Heavens, Almighty God, You are Overcomer, by Your power, the oceans open wide, Your fire falls down, Heaven and Earth collide, Your power and Your presence break strongholds, when You speak, mountains move." The pastor asks us, "Have we lost our reverent fear of the power of God?"

I felt sobered but comforted leaving church. Awed by the reminder that my God decimates kingdoms. Convicted by the reminder that my God has already sacrificed his body to make broken systems righteous. 

Bits and bobs accomplished this Saturday. 

I had ordered some hydraulic hinges for the bed frame on Amazon, and we had attempted to install them last week, but it was bumpy going. I was concerned that the ones I had chose just wouldn't work with our space and set up, but Peter is the ultimate problem-solver! He got those bad boys installed all by his selfie, and our bed opens (practically!) on its own now! Very sturdy. He shaved some more wood off the edges of the frame so they are not scraping against any of the walls. He also added trim along the edges of the frame so the mattress won't slide out. 

In the bathroom, Peter attached quarter round in the shower wall seams. He added faux tile board to the side of the bench seat that meets the shelf under the window. And he started building the shelf under the window! Shower needs to be caulked and the drain secured, but it is really looking like a real shower. 

We got the missing female elbow joint for finishing the plumbing for the shower distribution, and Peter finished installing that. He carved out some of the stud with the multitool so the elbow can sit securely in there. Reattached the outer wall and put wood putty over the screws, sanded, and it's ready for paint! 

We tried to install the bathroom light. It is a 120v fixture, but we attempted to convert according to the instructions and, no dice. The wires are live, and the fixture worked when we tested it at my parents' house, so perhaps the problem is the bulb? 

I busied myself with sanding: the last window frame is ready for its paint, and I patched some holes with Bondo now that it is warm enough for that. I took the knobs off of the window lifts so I can get the paint off those and get them shiny again. I opened up the Capt'n Tolley's to try sealing some rivets. Might try treating the windows with it, too. Weatherstripping and scouring the aluminum might be my next little project. Peter is the woodworking Michelangelo, so I need to find little prettiness projects. 

We are going to try to get it inspected next week, so next Saturday will be for getting it up to snuff, e.g., attaching the belly pan in the back, checking the license plate light, tightening the lug nuts. I am hoping the inspection station will be able to give me a checklist. Once it passes inspection we should be able to get it registered! We are looking to move it to my parents' house by March 15. 

Lawyers on the Beach

Some days, I think about having my own law firm. 

There is plenty that I don't love about this idea. Actually, most of it I don't love. You carry all of the responsibility, all of the liability, all of the work on your head. You aren't just doing legal work, you're also running a business. You have to be organized and disciplined. You have to take cases you don't want because you need the fees. There is no one else to help carry the load; you are completely alone. 

That scares me because I know I am not good enough on my own, all by myself, and in every role I've ever had, I have enjoyed working with teammates and I have leaned heavily on them for their strengths. It is invaluable to have someone to bounce ideas off of, to get a second opinion from, to help you draft something when you are pulled in several different directions. Teamwork makes the dream work! 

But the one advantage of hanging my shingle is significant enough that it keeps me coming back to this ill-advised cockamamy idea. Implicit in self-employment is freedom. You make your schedule. You choose your cases. You set the culture and the standards for your practice. You can do your work from the beach, if you want, and if that work is drafting and not a confidential client call. I could escape from the geographical difficulties that Peter and I are trying to puzzle through at the moment. I could replace the stress of this decision with a different kind of stress. Ah, freedom. 

Tomorrow is my one year workiversary with my small private practice firm. I didn't think I would make it this long, so it's exciting to reach that milestone. When I started I thought that private practice would be hard for me because we wouldn't be able to help every person who came to us for help--but actually what has been hard is justifying taking people's money and not returning to them high quality work. 

Before, I thought that self-employment was completely unattainable for me--I simply didn't have the skillset to make it work, and I had no interested in trying. But after seeing a little bit how managing one's own firm actually works, the hubris in me is like, um, hey, I could probably do this. And even if I can't do it well I could probably do it better, right? I'm embarrassed of my arrogance even as I write that, but it is the reason why I still toy with this scary idea. 

But still, I call it a scary idea because I have seen self-employment turn into a prison, too. How free are you, really? You answer to clients, to judges, to clerks, to the bar, to your colleagues, all the little demands on your time that fill a day until you don't have any time left to sit in peace. With people counting on you and you alone, once you get on the treadmill, it can be hard to jump off when it gets too be too much. 

What reason is a good reason for making such a big and expensive and scary decision? And how can you know how it will pan out before you try? And would I survive failing?