Saturday, July 2, 2011

2 Corinthians 3:5

I'm having a panic attack. Kind of. Every single summer I take stock of everything that's changed in my little world and in the people I love and in the opinions I hold and the things upon which I stand. And mostly I don't see very many changes in me. I'm still 5'9". I still live in Rhode Island. I still love my parents. I still love Jesus.

But what sends my heart beating madly is the changes outside of me. My brother has a faint shadow on his upper lip and has started talking back to his mother. My friends are leaving their homes and moving into tiny cinder block rooms. My state is putting a tax on soda and textbooks and heating oil and car repairs. My country has unemployment that rises with minimum wage, and a general public that doesn't recycle like it used to in the 80's.

The end of the world is two steps away. The end of my world is too far away.

The future is so unknown. Not just the nebulous cosmic future, but the next week, next month, next year future of my own little speck of a life. Who? What? Where? When? Dear God Almighty, when I prayed for struggles and sufferings and a sanctifying break, did you think to yourself, "Just wait"? Because the fireworks outside sound so normal, and the taste of Nutella in my mouth is so delicious, and the breeze of the air conditioning is so comforting. Isn't that just it, though? All this comfortable happiness can't be real.

But dear God, I don't think I can do this. Continue in normalcy with only a fractured little heart to keep me afloat. I don't even know what I want, really. I just know that once again, I'm sickened by the changes that have creeped up on me, and the maladjusted little girl who sees behind my eyes doesn't know how to cope or keep up. Couldn't everything just stay the same? Or couldn't I change to keep pace with it all?

Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

I guess I'm just panicking because everything else is moving so fast that, it feels like I'm standing still. I guess I should stop reading those Jodi Picoult novels, hm?


Nicole said...

Keep writing, Hayley. I love it.

Anonymous said...

The Lord was able to make good out of the most epic act of evil in the history of the universe. Lucifer rebelled against God. He wanted to be on the same level as his Creator. The Lord used this event to enable mankind to have free will. Without the choice of evil, freedom is an illusion.
As far as the system of fear goes, that the media exploits on behalf of the goverment and profit, do not worry about it. The world will not end because of global warming. That theory is based on apocryphal exagerations that have been spun by liars like Al Gore. Just like evolution, the books claim we should believe that as well. Trust in the Holy Bible instead.
The topic of the world ending has recently come into vogue. The latest fairy tale ending comes to us from the Mayans of long ago. The anticipation of December 21, 2012 is keeping imbalanced people awake at night. If only they knew that the supposed prophesies are being misinterpreted. The Mayans really believed that a new cycle would begin on this dreaded date, not the apocalypse.
It is true that we are going to see an increase in solar flares during 2012-2013, but the flares will not wipe us out as a race. We will simply have to put up with inconveniences as a result of our electronics being a bit agitated. Just remember, mankind survived just fine without high tech gadgets until their invention relatively recently. Adam and Eve used to social network in person with their Creator as He walked with them in the Garden of Eden.