Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I will boast gladly of my weaknesses

Some days I am such a coward. I look at the opportunities in front of me and the big things within my reach, and I run so quickly away. I am wearied by the importance of the things I hold in my hands. I want all of the power with none of the responsibility, and it's made me afraid of significance.

I am too foolish to be doing anything at all.

I forget that this is not my work. I am too full of myself. I forget that I am merely a vessel.

I worry that I was born a wuss. Or worse, that I was born a leader and have devolved into a wuss.
I think it's my defeatist attitude: so easily shut down by obstacles, so easily resigned to cynicism, so easily downtrodden. I want to ask, "How did I get this way", but it's more likely that this is a symptom of the sin that has always been inside of me, and I am slowly being given the eyes to see it.

If this latter instance is the case, I'm in big trouble because I'm too much of a wuss to even really do anything about it.

And so you see my vicious cycle. Who will save us from ourselves?

The Veritas Forum went reasonably well. It has its own few hiccups: the building was difficult for community members to find, signage could have been better, we were a little short-staffed and over-zealous with taping off sections. Holistically, though, I was pleased with how things went. How even though the event was dominated by community members, there seemed to be a few more students than the year before. 

Still, my heart was in my throat when the Veritas rep starts talking with me about next year. Next year? As I'm picking up the scraps of this year? I have to let down my hair and sigh and shake it out a bit before I can even begin to think of facing the terrifying reality of coordinating the Forum with Manny graduated. It sounds too hard. I would probably mess everything up. And worst of all, I'm worried the Forum hasn't made a difference at URI. So why continue?

You see now my defeatist attitude. 

I'm praying for God to enlighten my perspective. To be cheered in the fact that there were students there. That what the impact lacks in scope is makes up for in magnitude. That with each year the Forum has another opportunity to gain recognition with students. That faithfulness will eventually be rewarded with fruit.

I want more than anything to see God working and moving and redeeming at my school. But I'm a little too small and a little too fearful and a little too wimpy to do much of anything. And so I am continually thankful that His power is made perfect in weakness, because at the very least weakness is something I have in abundance. 


Caitriona aka Catherine said...

May I say that you truly are an encouragement to me, as I walk just a little bit (ever so little) ahead of you in the pilgrim highway.
Just this morning, I was reflecting on the fact that I need the Gospel so much more than when I first believed.
What do I bring to the Cross? What do I contribute to salvation? My sin, my weaknesses. Jesus takes my sin and has nailed it (past tense, DONE) to the cross and He takes weak sinners like you and me and demonstrates that HIS power is made perfect in our weaknesses. May we lay down our pride that we may rise up and walk in HIM.
Now, if I could just figure out how to boast gladly of my weaknesses. ;/

Mommy said...

Hmmm, it seems to me that, although it would have been nice to have the campus community more greatly represented at the Veritas Forum perhaps God had other plans in mind. That night, His name was lifted high and glorified, believers were encouraged and unbelievers heard the gospel. Yes, maybe there were only a handful of unbelieving students there, but even if a seed was planted in ONE heart, wasn't it worth it? Remember that His ways are not always the same as our (Christian) ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. Many times we do things because we believe He wants us to and then when the results aren't what we expect, we think we misunderstood His leading (and maybe we did), but maybe it was our expectations that were wrong.
Love you so much and know how proud I am to be your mom and even prouder to call you my dear sister in Christ! Continue fighting the good fight :)