Drama

My sister confronted me on Easter about my neglect of our relationship since quarantine started. Thinking of my previous post pricked my conscience. 

I made me feel angry and defensive, because if you look at the facts, I had done nothing wrong. I had not neglected her. But my defensiveness was shadowed by guilt, because I knew she was nevertheless correct, because I knew I was going through the motions, that my efforts were not sincere. And regardless of who is "correct," her feelings are still there. 

What do I do with that? I asked my husband. His advice was so good. Don't be bitter. Keep reaching out. Reach out in a way that can be sincere for you. And bless his heart, he was even more concrete. Send video messages on Instagram, boom. 

I think my sister wants me to bare my soul to her, and this is a good desire and it is possible to have this between sisters. I want to be close to her, too, but how can I trust her to extend me grace for the things on my heart if she cannot extend me grace these other grievances of distance and inattention? 

I know I can't be petty and bitter. I know I have to forgive and extend her grace for her insecurity. But it is also painful to be judged by her. I imagine she feels a similar pain in the distance. So she and I, we are trying to parse that pain and get closer, but maybe we have different ideas about what that looks like. 

I thought maybe I distanced from others in order to protect them from me failing them, but maybe it is also possible that I distance from others in order to protect myself how uncomfortable it is to be humble and soft-hearted and forgiving.