Confession

I have avarice. I did not know this was the word for it. I did not know how to describe my fear of connecting with and investing in others. 

But it is true that I want to direct how I spend my time. It is true that I am uncomfortable with the expectations others make of me. It is true that I worry about letting people down, and instead of working tirelessly to make sure expectations are met and people are affirmed, I withdraw, I resent their needs, I resent their claims on my time and emotional resources, or I feel no guilt in setting boundaries that are too firm and too conservative. Too many texts and calls go ignored because, "I just can't." 

It is avarice.

And it has failed to protect me from the guilt and pain of not being there for others, because the more I distance and resolve to meet my own needs, the more needy I feel. 

But I have heard, that in His great mercy, He has promised to turn my guilt into innocence. He has promised to fill me with His infinite resources. He will make me enough for others. He will cover me when I fail them. He will heal the pain that inevitably crops up in the midst of closeness. He will make it possible for me to start anew, every single day. 

He commands me, do not be afraid. I cannot fear hurting others. I cannot fear being drained of my resources. I cannot fear burnout. I cannot fear their expectations. I cannot fear being tied down. 

If I can count on Him, He will make it possible for me to reach out. For me to build others up. For me to be there for people. For me to have friends that give life and not pain, guilt. 

He is infinite. He is everlasting. He is a well that does not run dry. Drink as much as you need, He says. Your weaknesses are not a problem. I can make goodness from your feeble and fractured attempts. I believe He really will take care of me.