Friday, February 4, 2011


I have been so loved. I'm thinking of college, specifically, though this being loved thing is definitely an unusual trend of my life's trajectory. It's one of those crazy illustrious blessings. [Though, I'm hearing Francis Chan in my head: blessings are for outpouring, not parroting thank yous.] Anyway, at college I have been shown much mercy. It's so very painful. Being a commuter. When I feel like pitying myself I think of how I have no friends there, mostly because I'm awkward and antisocial.

I'm not, though. I made friends with the security guard just fine today, I had a nice chat with the girl next to me in linguistics class; it's not strangers I have a problem with, it's acquaintances.

I have been loved at college, though. People, strangers, non-Christians have reached out to me, and I have remained stand-offish from uncertainty. I just have to repeat to myself, "They're people, Hayley. Treat them like people." I put so much pressure on these interactions. Like, oh no, he's going to think I'm hitting on him, or, she's going to think I'm too clingy and desperate for a friend. I analyze each encounter's potential to develop in friendship, and hold my breath until I feel as though I can let the relationship alone, as though once built it requires no maintenance.

I treat relationships like they're minefields and one false step is going to blow everything up. So to protect everything, I do nothing. Which is much, much worse. I find myself unable to respond to acts of mercy. Investing in my coworkers. Smiling at classmates. Hanging out. I'm really bad at that, hanging up. Too much TV, I think. See, I've always had a problem with initiation, but now I've regressed in reciprocation as well. I am content to soak up attention, but slow to give it. Because I am selfish and scared.

I know you have felt much more love than you've shown.

This is the battle! How can I love as much as I have been loved?

Simply to the cross I cling . . .


Art said...

"she's going to think I'm too clingy and desperate for a friend."

I definitely feel this desire to reciprocate and the difficulty in responding, and also the freedom in trusting in the cross. B-)

Jude said...

I used to feel like this. When I was younger, and less experienced (which the military can make you before your time, like it did me) I would be terrified of even the tiniest things that I could say or do that might influence people to think or believe things about me that I didn't want or know. But I was reading in the Bible when I was in college, and Psalm 32:8 clearly states: "I will instruct you and teach you in the was you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you." How amazing is that, that even in ALL things God will give us guidance and direction. In ALL things He is there for us, and only asked that we seek His help. In ALL things, even making friends and keeping them... hope that helps. :D

Anonymous said...

"Perfect love drives out fear" 1 Jn 4:18 Seek His face! More of Him and less of you <3