So my pastor preached on Colossians 3:18 today. I sat in the first row rapt with confusion over those five simple words: "Wives, submit to your husbands." The message kind of stepped all over the last shreds of egalitarianism I was mulling over in my mind. What then, does this submission look like? . . . I guess I have a while to figure it out.
It made me realize that I'm in that awkward phase of growing up when I don't know how to think about things. Like that kid who finds out Santa Claus isn't real, and needs to find a new way of thinking about Christmas. I'm that girl who's gotten one too many wedding invitations in the mail and is only just now realizing, "Wait, this is a thing?!"
You see, years of homeschool conferences and careful reading lists clearly spelled out how to think about marriage when I was younger. And it was so easy, too! The doctrine basically was, you're not old enough or mature enough to get married, so don't think about it. Don't think. So much freedom! So I militantly pushed it out of my mind, rolling my eyes at those way-ward girls who were constantly "in like" and sprayed their relationship status all over Facebook. (I spend a lot of time throwing flame-retardant on my judgmental streak.)
But I don't know. Then I got a little older. (I hear that happens to younger people.) My friends started getting married and "not thinking about it" is beginning to cease to be an option. Because even though marriage is still very much out there in the "someday", I'm moving closer towards a place where I ought to be cultivating myself into someone who will be worthy of marriage. And, that's kind of weird.
And the homeschool conferences don't really tell you what to do in this stage.
On the one hand, I do want to get married. I feel all self-conscious admitting that in black and white, but, I do. On the other hand, it's more than just possible God is "calling" me to singleness. It makes me a little sad and a little terrified, but also very excited to think I could be facing the rest of my life depending not on a person but on God alone. But back to the one hand, it's definitely a little soon to be making these kinds of judgments all around! So maybe you see my thought-process here; I'm kind of caught in a loop.
Getting older just keeps getting more and more complicated.