Thursday, September 22, 2011

I bought expensive shoes today

This has been a week of gross sleep deprivation. The weird thing is, it's not like I killed myself staying up late to get homework done. It was more like, I never got around to going to sleep. I do things that are bad for me without knowing why I did them.

This morning it all caught up with me. Even though my class isn't until 9:30, I got to campus at 8am to get some homework done, and as I sat outside my psychology classroom, I talked myself into cutting class. I don't know why. I like the class, like the material, like the professor, was on track with the reading . . . hm, no, wait, I remember. I think I wanted to avoid one of my friends who is also in the class. 

I just never know what to say to him. The professor is always late, so we usually have a good fifteen minutes to make conversation, and, I never have anything to say. Last semester we stayed up late into the wee hours talking about humanity and biology and the existence of God. Now it's a feeble "Hey, have you started your project? Me neither." Riveting. 

I think this ate up my mind this morning because I finally got to go to Intervarsity last night. Which always gets me thinking about my missional focus at my school. And how epically I'm failing at it. I'm failing with my friend from psychology class. And my mood worsened as I walked to work, where I am also failing. (I wonder if the new hires even know I'm a Christian.)

So I've made myself sick to my stomach, and I don't know why. Thinking about "my missional focus" stresses me out, so I don't think about it. I'm disturbed by how neatly I compartmentalize my testimony, and how my vigor for God's work has faded. But then, I don't do anything about it. And so, I'm troubled by how untroubled I am, and I feel helpless over how pathetic that is. 

Part of me is sensible and says, "You're overtired. You're not feeling well. You've worked yourself into a frenzy over an existential non-question, and you'll feel better in the morning." The other part of me is honest and says, "You've got to deal with this sometime. Stop procrastinating your liberation. It's so close, if you'd only take it."

They were Sperry topsiders, the shoes were. I'm such an old lady, I ordered them online. I'm probably going to return them when they arrive, that seems like the sensible thing to do. I guess I'm one of those people who spends money when they're upset. I think I felt guilty about skipping class. I should sleep. Hm.


Michael said...

Sperry topsiders? gosh, I hope you return those! ;)

Hayley, I love you. I know how you feel, and what you mean about doing stupid stuff. I'm sorry you cut class and made mistakes about interacting with you co-workers and friends at school. I'm praying for you, my beloved friend.

Liz said...

I know the feeling. I empathize with you, I will pray for you, I love you.

Get some sleep, dear. :) And you might actually laugh out loud when your Sperry topsiders come in the mail.

Psalm 42:5.

Kristen said...

Oh, college. School really has the tendency to do things like that to me too. I can definitely relate here. Especially the awkward conversations with classmates... It's all part of the college experience and it the end, it's good for us. Even the tension.

Also, I wish I went to school with you.


Art said...

I understand this avoiding people thing because of awkward conversations.

"Stop procrastinating your liberation. It's so close, if you'd only take it." It's something like how can you stand next to the truth and not see it?, isn't it?