Sunday, February 8, 2009

Garbledy Gook

I am really tired. After staying up until midnight every night last week, and after the speech tournament, round robin, and oratorical competition, I'm feeling all numb and hollow and sluggish. My head is a swirling vortex of pea soup: sloshy, mushy, with chucks of questionable content lurking in the liquid. (I've never really had a positive experience with pea soup, I think you can tell.) So many thoughts are in my head, but I haven't the mind power, motivation, or dexterity to identify these thoughts and flesh them out.

I just keep getting snippets of things. God hungry eat junk anorexia praise knees standing kneeling gloria why cute insecurities fail epic fail money banks when change pain sleep women new revolution twoddle busy fake overwhelm encouragement flattery see hear speak praise shirt music trampoline focus drummer attention apologetics candy piano shy math tears flexibility dependence moon God. (But the period isn't a real period, because the thoughts go on and on. . .)

I just can't write anything out. I can't catch these thoughts and pin them down. Can't verbalize it to anyone. Not even myself. I feel like I'm missing out on them, but I know that if I tried to write them out it would just be garbledy gook. I'm just really tired. Just like God's mercies are new, everything will be clearer with the morning.

(I won my state's American Legion oratorical contest. But the national one overlaps Regionals. The competition made me angry and sad, but I have to trust that this was supposed to happen. . . . But see, even this thought I don't completely understand.)


Art said...

So even with the difficulty in writing the speech, God pulled you through.

Are you angry and sad at the unfortunate double-bookedness or something else that happened at the competition?

Hayley said...

I was one of two competitors, and the other girl really wanted to win. It just didn't feel like a proper competition, and I don't know if I'm justified in being upset or if it's just my silly pride.

I just wish I understood why it happened the way it did, but I don't. So I have to be satisfied with that.