Friday, April 23, 2010

Iron Sharpens Iron

The benefit of being distant is that, when the rug of your perception gets pulled out from the feet of your mind your balance doesn't get that upset. [Wow. The land of awkward metaphors is a scary place.] I'm talking about who I trust and how much I invest and how to be above the influence. I'm talking about being sheltered and sheltering myself.

So I guess my response is to just do more of the same. More distance. More severing. Okay. I knew it. I felt it coming. There was a warning bell that saved me from doing stupid things. Things I never got around to saying, things I couldn't bring myself to do. And I didn't understand why, but I'm thankful they happened. Or didn't happen. God was protecting me, and now I've emerged the bombing with very little shell shock. That is to say, I don't feel as though I did anything wrong, just that I perhaps came too close to doing something wrong too many times, and I don't want to be reckless anymore.

Not that it was a big deal or anything. Teens are stupid. Sorry, we are. And we're self-centered, we don't realize how the things we do must look to other people, and, we play with fire and get mad at fire regulations. You know. My one hope is that I'll outgrow this silly teenaged angst! and look back on my inner tensions in amusement! So drama sucks our blood like deer ticks. It's not fatal. We grow up. Most of us escape unscathed, and think back amused to our stupid teenaged days when we made foolish decisions and "ran with the wrong crowd."

But of course, it's just better to do things this way. To not delude myself, to grow closer to my sisters and honor my parents, and stop being so naive. To the pure, everything is pure . . . but that doesn't really work for those of unclean of us. I will take the shelter of my family over the tempting of my friends any day. I'm hoping to cut out some heart-ache by just doing as I'm told. And, I guess I'm not good at being subtle about it, but, directness wins over tact with the people I love. So there you go.

I wonder if I will regret posting this post. I wonder if I ought to post it at all. But, I find peace in trying to be real. And these questions, perhaps you will understand, and mutually edify me, and manage to sift through my cryptic and confusing judgments. Maybe you will be able to evaluate the heart of what I'm saying so clumsily. Or many this post is just so nonsensical it will be ignored, like it ought to. I am too self-indulgent for my own good, I think. But there must be some good in being able to admit that? Oh, the straws I grasp at!

Snip snip. [The sound of me cutting a few ties that should never have existed.] [I don't entirely understand, but I am persuaded that this is right.] [Story of my LIFE.]

Andrew reminded me that ignoring things is the enemy of closure, and, while I hate closure, a lot of people like it, so, this is your closure. This is my snap reaction. This is my not ignoring the exhortation of those who know better than me. This is my opening my mouth and proving myself a fool. But now you know, what's in my head. And now that it's out . . . oh, I can sleep in relative peace tonight. [Nope, nope, there's that school-related ulcer. I have issues, guys. Oh, the whole subscription . . . !] [I'm Florence from "The Odd Couple", I really really am.] [I just want to do right.]

Oh! And, I feel as though I ought to counter-balance my careless venting with a disclaimer: I'm not talking about you. Even if I am, I'm not. I'm sorry for using the word "you" so carelessly. I speak generally of the tension I've always felt, ever since I was ten years old and sat in my closet after church with tears on my face praying for a soul friend. It's such a delicate balance, isn't all of it? God and family and church and coworkers and friends and circle of influence. People are so wonderful. I just want to do right. By putting my trust where I ought to put it. And only He can tell me where that is. I'm reminding myself. This is me reminding myself.

What can I say? I love you. You are necessary. God is good. The end.


Liz said...

I love you too. Thank you for posting what is in your heart, and for being honest. I understand. I, I ... think I understand.


Luke said...

"directness wins over tact with the people I love."

How true. I wish more people understood this.