Saturday, June 12, 2010

"This is where the healing begins"

All sorts of ugly feelings from earlier today, when I woke up and realized that my last Nationals ever was over, are bubbling to mind, which is a shame because I was in a perfectly content frame of mind. It's just, the music of the Hyatt lobby so perfectly enchanted my mind as I loaded up the car in solitude, pricking my eyes with this week's ever present tears, and oh how grateful I am for those brief moments alone this morning.

I can hardly know what the most wonderful part of it all was. Our hotel didn't even have the Food Network. I had script problems for the first time ever. I yelled at my duo partner and at one of my dearest friends. Among so many other things . . .

But I also laughed and ran around the portico like a seven year-old. I ate ice cream to cheer myself up. I walked around a fountain in a rainy reunion. I unburdened my soul in ways I had never indulged before. Among so many other things . . .

Perhaps I was just over-tired. Or perhaps my faithful God is softening my heart.

It's as though my feelings were free. As I noticed when I was shaking a stranger's hand with tears rolling down my face, when I opened my journal with sentiments to share, when I let loose a deluge of anxiety and confusion in these special healing conversations.

In many ways this was a selfish experience, during which I drank in attention and counsel and understanding. I feel, sobered that I did not initiate and reach out and lift up this week. And yet in spite of this my dear Father blessed me anyway, through these dear people He restores my soul.

I have so many letters to write, people to connect with, networking to do. I'm a little inspired. Hanging out with Lilly kind of does that. Hearing Chantilly's laughing and listening to Josiah wave his hands over his life's ambitions does that. I am refreshed, ready to face tomorrow and this week and this month and this summer and this year with His praise on my lips and thanks for His grace in my heart.


Micah E. said...

"In many ways this was a selfish experience, during which I drank in attention and counsel and understanding."

Everything experienced by the self is a selfish experience. There's nothing wrong with learning how to love people.

Can I say I'm glad I didn't go, without being misunderstood to mean that I didn't want to? It makes me glad that you lived through nationals. And I don't mean survived.

Hayley said...

I did, you're right, I lived. And I'm so very thankful.

QueenOfLillyFlowers said...


Luke said...

When did you yell at me? I can only remember times when you seemed a bit frustrated/annoyed at my zealousness......but i don't remember you a actually yelling at me. So i guess if you ever want to yell at'll have to raise your voice. lol

Well that's the past..... I too really enjoyed nationals...NCFCA is soooo much more fun when you actually know people. I remember my first year when i didn't know anyone..... ya friends make things better. =)

Hayley said...

I yelled at you on Friday, when the room was running behind and you weren't there. But I'm glad it didn't /seem/ like yelling! At any rate, I'm sorry I got angry at all.

Somewhat parenthetically, did you know a team kept the room waiting 20 minutes because they were last on the postings and didn't feel the need to wait outside the room. [/sorta gossip but totally demonstrates my point]