Sunday, December 5, 2010

Perpetually disjointed.

What if I could choose:

To not be jealous. To be at peace. To be thoughtful and observant and resourceful. What if I could turn on kindness like the flick of a switch. I want to be kind.

This is my desire . . .

Not an island. Luke's words, "it's nice to be home with one's own family and 'real' friends." The people you can rest in, be quiet and full and comfortable with. Each weekend I'm filled again to return.

It's a little bit of a tug of war, though. I want to be at URI, investing in the people there, devoting my spare time to cultivating relationships there. [It's why I'm even at URI in the first place. I nodded vigorously during my memere's rant this afternoon: yes! I understand this need to be out and engaged!] But my family is always first. And each weekend I am abandoned not to the college student demographic, but to my former world.

And it's nice. Comforting. Each weekend fills me with the assurance, "You have friends and you are loved", because I am insecure and need these remindings. What if I could choose? To not be insecure? [If one can choose life, than why not peace and assurance? If we can choose, why don't we?]

I wonder if this safety net of these warm weekends holds me back, keeps me from choosing. When you already have friends, why would you bother making new ones? I wouldn't put it past myself to be this subconsciously lazy.

Oh, I'm a Derek Webb song. "I love slash hate you [college]."


Art said...

I don't think there's enough power in independence to let you choose the always right.

I'm thinking about, "ask for the ancient paths,where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls."

Maybe you don't have to leave everything of the former life behind.

Kris said...

Hayley, I love you. I know exactly what you mean. Its crazy how much your recent blog posts remind me of everything I thought and stressed and cried about last semester. God will bring you through this and give you His wisdom. I'm praying. <3

Hayley said...

Oh Kristen. It is so wonderful to have someone who knows what I mean, who was there, who came through! Thank you for your endless and empathetic encouragement. :)

Liz said...

Is it really a choice? A choice in that one must be chosen and another dropped? Can it be more of a letting go to one, where circumstances have not taken hold of you anymore, and an embracing of a new - where opportunity lies?

And even thought the former doesn't have you in a grip-lock as to what you "need to do" - doesn't mean that you can't be back there with just a strong conviction of where you "ought to be".

Maybe. Just maybe?

Hayley said...

Oh, yes, I agree, and I think it's this mindset that took me so long to discover my first month of college. But I meant here, less of choosing which "life" embrace, and more of, choosing to embrace peace and security and kindness. Because in a way, righteousness is a choice, isn't it? I want to chose to "walk in the ancient paths." And it seems I need constant reminding. :)