What if I could choose:
To not be jealous. To be at peace. To be thoughtful and observant and resourceful. What if I could turn on kindness like the flick of a switch. I want to be kind.
This is my desire . . .
Not an island. Luke's words, "it's nice to be home with one's own family and 'real' friends." The people you can rest in, be quiet and full and comfortable with. Each weekend I'm filled again to return.
It's a little bit of a tug of war, though. I want to be at URI, investing in the people there, devoting my spare time to cultivating relationships there. [It's why I'm even at URI in the first place. I nodded vigorously during my memere's rant this afternoon: yes! I understand this need to be out and engaged!] But my family is always first. And each weekend I am abandoned not to the college student demographic, but to my former world.
And it's nice. Comforting. Each weekend fills me with the assurance, "You have friends and you are loved", because I am insecure and need these remindings. What if I could choose? To not be insecure? [If one can choose life, than why not peace and assurance? If we can choose, why don't we?]
I wonder if this safety net of these warm weekends holds me back, keeps me from choosing. When you already have friends, why would you bother making new ones? I wouldn't put it past myself to be this subconsciously lazy.
Oh, I'm a Derek Webb song. "I love slash hate you [college]."