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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Poker? I hardly know her!

Who are you?

I really want to know. Because I know I don't know you. It doesn't matter how often we've talked, what we've talked of, how long we've known each other, or what understandings we have between ourselves. I don't know you, and I'd really like to. If that's okay. 

There are too many people I've known forever, people I've grown up with, and yet somehow never became friends with. It doesn't matter how badly I wanted to be friends, it never happened. And I kind of wonder why, if it was just that they didn't like me, or if I didn't risk enough, or if it somehow cosmically wasn't meant to be. 

There are too many people I've been friends with forever, people who I see weekly, with whom I laugh and joke and pass the time. But we were never more than pals. And I kind of wonder why, if it was okay that we were expendable, or if we were just too afraid of getting closer, or if our friendship just wasn't meant to be more than casual.

There are too many people I'd count dear to me, people called friends in the honest sense, and yet sometimes I think I don't know the most basic things about them. And I kind of wonder why, if it's because I just haven't really wanted to know, or if they just didn't care to share, or if I just never asked, or if perhaps it just wasn't important in the grand scheme.

And I'm not completely sure what I want to know or why I want to know it, just that I do want to know. Who do you say you are, what are the pieces that make up you, who are you, really?

4 comments:

Falling Wings of Glass said...

I think that, many times, the reason that people don't show their true selves is because they don't know who they are. Certainly, people keep things hidden with the corners of their minds and never shine light on them, but sometimes they hide key elements of their personality so deep because of deep fear, that they can't even find them.

And then they forget.

Hayley said...

That's horribly clever, that Satan should use fear not only to separate us from fellowship with others, but also in understanding ourselves. And by the same token, the more vulnerable we are with those hidden parts of ourselves, the more we have a chance to grow.

By the way, my original question was not rhetorical. ; )

Falling Wings of Glass said...

Oh dear. This could take a while, because I have to search into the often unverbalized corners of my consciousness. But, if you really want to know who I am, I will try to give a very short synopsis of myself.

Okay, on second thought, I am going to copy and paste a short profile I wrote for my blog...but it was too long to fit into my profile box (I kept it and posted it a while ago). Yeah, it's kind of long...but you asked for it ;)!
Here it is:

I'm different. I've known that since elementary school, and my dance with that concept has been what has defined, and what does define, my life. In one way, I would never want to be normal, and I love being who I am. On the other hand, I fight against the difference and I wish, I wish, that I could be like everyone else. Or at least a little more similar. Music, poetry, thought, these are the things that I can put my soul into--truly, and not worry about being laughed at, or laughing at myself.

I'm dichotomous. I actually considered 'dichotomy' for a username because...that's me. In nearly everything, actually. Pick an area of life, pick something that requires a fundamental preference and I usually go for both sides. Not everything, of course: there are some things that my psyche is 100% united on. But there are many things in which I see two sides of myself that bicker away. Which is me? I ask myself this for the important things--the things that have to do with my personality, and not the dichotomous manifestations of my strangely antithetical psyche in things like architectural preference. I hide it a lot, but I can be tortured by these two sides of my. The great thing, though, and the thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know that I'm not alone. I know that there is someone (actually, I'm sure that there are a few, but many of them simply don't care) out there who is infinitely more complex than me, and infinitely more holy. God. My, and everyone's, sin condemns us to hell, but He, out of his own choice, sent his son in human form to the earth for one purpose: to die. Jesus Christ lived a perfect life and, as the ONLY person who didn't deserve it, took the punishment for sin. For my sin, for your sin, for everyone's sin. He gives us the opportunity to merely pronounce that He is Lord, and He will save us from eternal death to give us eternal life. I've pronounced that He is Lord, and he has saved me. He loves me and knows more than I do myself, or anyone ever can, and he has a plan for me that exceeds my imagination. I know it sounds crazy, and it is.

It's crazy awesome.

And that keeps me going. Because I know I have a God who loves me, and I know that He's got me. He's got me, and He
won't
let
go.

Hayley said...

Thanks for indulging me. : ) How I know the feeling of being a walking contradiction! And amen. It amazes me how everything I could ever assign meaning to still pales in comparison to the love and truth of Jesus.