It's missions month at our church, and it's been exciting to hear about how these people have devoted their lives to a specific ministry. The husbands get up and talk about how God has been working through their career, and the wives get up and talk about their opportunities to share God in the home, and instead of marveling at how good God is to use ordinary people for His work, I get hung up on the gender-specific roles in church ministry. Why can't women teach? I don't understand. Why is it the wife supports the husband's call, instead of both working towards a mutual calling? I don't get it. Is it biblical? It must be, that's how it's always been done, that's the pattern. It's a question of causation: is that the pattern because it's true, or is the pattern there because we haven't bothered about the truth? I don't know.
I can't tell if I'm being stubborn in not wanting to yield to God's plan or if I'm right to struggle with this idea. Or maybe the conflict is something I merely fabricated. I don't know why it matters so much to me. It's not like I want to be a pastor. It's not like I'd have issues following a husband where God calls him. It's not like I'm be deprived of the right to vote. Arg, so why does this matter to me? Maybe fear that all my ambitions only matter if I never marry? Maybe knowledge of the widespread domestic abuse, even in the church? Maybe social conditioning from Susan B. Anthony and the feminist's cause? Maybe teenage rebellion against pre-set notions of a woman's role in the church? Those are all silly or misattributed reasons. I don't want to be a rebel with a pointless cause, I just want to understand what I'm supposed to be.
(There was so much I wanted to say on this topic, but it doesn't matter because I just don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter. I can read all these books on egalitarianism and complimentarianism, and I can talk to all these people, and I can search the Scriptures, but maybe I'll never have my questions answered. Maybe that's okay.)