Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I haven't been careful enough. In many ways I've been negligent, really. I nursed my pride and told myself I was doing fine, when I've really been slipping on the fundamentals. And it hurts to admit it, and I'm completely ashamed, but that's what happened. I just haven't been careful enough with the important things.

My momma is always right. I discovered this when I was ten years old and we went dress shopping, and my mom insisted on buying a dress that I hated, and three months later I swallowed my pride and admitted the dress she picked out was pretty. My mom has forced me to do NCFCA, forced me to do TeenPact, forced me to take up debate, forced me to get a job, forced me to speak on organ donation at a Rotary event, forced me to do a lot of things that I dreaded initially, but have been wonderful opportunities. My momma is always right, and my momma says I've been slacking.

She said she was worried about where my priorities are, about how much time I spend with friends and who those friends are, about how careful I am with what I do and what I say, about how closely I flirt with dangerous ideas. Her disapproval hurt, especially because I've felt on track. But that also made me realize, I can't "tide myself over" with small successes. Being better than bad is the very definition of mediocre. I shouldn't coast, but oh, I have been. Letting myself form bad habits, letting myself let go of good habits. I thought I had mastered xyz, and in my pride I let myself unlearn xyz. I tricked myself into thinking I didn't need to be careful, and in the process I became careless.

I used to challenge myself to be friendly. And after challenging myself for a long time, it because easy for me. So I stopped challenging myself. And now being friendly is hard again. I used to tell little "white" lies when I was little, and then I was like, "That's bad" and I stopped. Not lying, even in the little things was second nature. Then I stopped being vigilant against those little "innocent" lies, and I find them popping up more. I used to be a hyper-obedient child, now I struggle with doing what my parents tell me to do. I had a problem with fear, I got over it, I stopped guarding against it, and now fear is always creeping back and I'm ill equipped to fight it. The list goes on and on and on. I've been forgetting the basics because I told myself that I was somehow beyond having to care about the basics. 

And I feel like I ought to be discouraged and overwhelmed at this realization, just as I was hurt when my mom inadvertently  pointed it out, but instead . . . I don't know, I feel relieved. I understand now. Sanctification is real, I am a work in progress, and God is active, bringing my shortcomings to my attention and gently redirecting me to where I ought to go. Do you see the overwhelming love in that? How many times have I read Philippians 1:6, and yet, it has never resonated in this same way! I am not doomed to be this flawed and jagged creature forever, God is there, He really is, changing me bit by bit. There are no words to say it, just that God is so good! 


K-Mac said...


Andrew said...

Yes. So, so, so good. Nothing to add except that you've really encouraged me today by pointing me to that passage.