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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This isn't about law school at all.

When it comes out to people I know very well that I have plans to go to law school, maybe even become an immigration lawyer, the look on their faces cuts like a dull, heavy knife. Their expressions inadvertently say what I'm thinking:

"Really?" That mild surprise. "I suppose I can see it." The half-shrug, both permissive and dismissive. "Little bit of a delusion of grandeur, isn't it, though?" A condescending nod. "Nice idea, but it'll never happen." Mouth set in a noncommittal smile.

It's fair, what they think, all of it's fair. Me? Law? Immigration? I don't know enough, care enough, work enough to possibly make it. I am spinning a future for myself in the theoretics, and it will never makes its way down into reality, partly because the world doesn't work like that and partly because I'm not enough.

I always bite off more than I can chew.

It's like that getting into college all over again! I'll pour myself into a goal too big for my abilities, and when it doesn't work out, I'll wipe the egg off my face and move into something more manageable, more Hayley-sized, and dabble away at that until the next insurmountable goal comes along. I think too big and too small, at the same time!

And the only rest for my listless and wearying soul is that eventually I will be the person I was meant to be. Who does what they're supposed to do. Who doesn't struggle in doubt and indecision, but walks forward in faith.

3 comments:

Caitriona aka Catherine said...

Hayley Hutchins! With man (or young woman) this may seem impossible but with God ALL things are possible even HH becoming an immigration lawyer. Unless of course, you don't want to be a lawyer. =)

L.E. Fiore said...

Just sayin, girl. When I read (for the first time) that you wanted to be an immigration lawyer- I felt like a little light bulb went off... "Oooh, that's what she wants to do. I can see her doing that." And you'd be good, too. So. If you want to. ;-) Go ahead. :-) Make your plans- and submit them unto the Lord.

KB said...

walk forward in faith, yes, but from a human perspective i think you are amazing and totally made for the challenge! don't let others get in the way if that's what God has for you! (i can totally relate ... journalism is different but gets the same reaction). Love ya.