When it comes out to people I know very well that I have plans to go to law school, maybe even become an immigration lawyer, the look on their faces cuts like a dull, heavy knife. Their expressions inadvertently say what I'm thinking:
"Really?" That mild surprise. "I suppose I can see it." The half-shrug, both permissive and dismissive. "Little bit of a delusion of grandeur, isn't it, though?" A condescending nod. "Nice idea, but it'll never happen." Mouth set in a noncommittal smile.
It's fair, what they think, all of it's fair. Me? Law? Immigration? I don't know enough, care enough, work enough to possibly make it. I am spinning a future for myself in the theoretics, and it will never makes its way down into reality, partly because the world doesn't work like that and partly because I'm not enough.
I always bite off more than I can chew.
It's like that getting into college all over again! I'll pour myself into a goal too big for my abilities, and when it doesn't work out, I'll wipe the egg off my face and move into something more manageable, more Hayley-sized, and dabble away at that until the next insurmountable goal comes along. I think too big and too small, at the same time!
And the only rest for my listless and wearying soul is that eventually I will be the person I was meant to be. Who does what they're supposed to do. Who doesn't struggle in doubt and indecision, but walks forward in faith.